This article probably has more to do with the fact that I have been reading a lot of George Carlin lately. He popped into my head prominently after I received an email from HR the other day. The email was about my “offboarding,” which is a nice way of saying get lost and forget our phone number while you’re at it.
Out of morbid curiosity, I looked up what the term means. While everyone seems to have different ideas about how it should go, here are the four things that are supposed to happen. The first part is “knowledge transfer,” which means I need to provide the survivors with project updates on the activities I was working on. Strange, I thought that was what I was doing in the classroom every day, but okay.
The second part is IT recovery: if I have any Romulus-owned technology, I am supposed to return it. That’s already done. Besides, I don’t need your VCRs and old school overhead projector. I am still choking on the dust from the time a student “accidently” fired it up because they had never seen one before. Thirdly, HR is supposed to handle my benefits. I am sure they got it covered. Otherwise, I might have to “throw hands,” as the kids say.
The final part most sites suggest will happen is an exit interview. No way is that happening here. It didn’t happen when I was booted from Remus, and it is highly unlikely it happens here either. Who would have to do that? I imagine it would be the provost. I can’t imagine how awkward that would be. Not because I don’t see eye to eye with them, but because they are awkward themselves.
I know that some people cannot function outside of academia, but our current provost would die if they had to do anything outside the realm of campus. They can barely handle small talk, and now they have to ask me questions about my experience at Romulus. The experience would be more sterile than a dentist’s office, and probably smell just as weird. I think it would be just as surreal as the day when they told me that I didn’t get tenure. I couldn’t tell if they were having a stroke when they told me, and I don’t want to know if they are going to have a coronary if I were to speak my mind about how our experience together was not as kosher as they would like to believe.
The vast majority of the faculty have no clue that I am leaving. I would love to sit in on the meeting when they find out. Somebody is going to have to pick up all the slack left by my departure. I just don’t see anybody willing to do all the extra stuff that I was doing for this campus. Oh well, I am already overboard the Titanic now—best of luck with everything.