At the end of the semester, I decided to put together a collection of laughable gaffes happening at Romulus that couldn’t appropriately fill an article. Below is a list of small pieces of litter that contribute to the construction of a large mound of garbage that this school is slowly turning into.

I Hate That I Schedule Meetings During My Class

Typically, this is a problem faculty have with students. I don’t usually get upset over it unless they made the appointment during an exam. Otherwise, I couldn’t care less. However, the irony here is that our faculty senate president schedules senate meetings during her class and then complains about it in front of the senate. It is like shooting yourself in the foot and then complaining about the gun taking off several of your toes. Your pistol didn’t do it out of malice. You pulled the trigger, stupid. You schedule your classes. I am sure you can figure out a compromise here. However, I’ve heard that the chair of your one-person department can be an insufferable jerk at times.

Parking Picasso

Despite scheduling conflicts with their class and senate meetings, the senate president has managed to pass one thing of minimal consequence. We now have designated parking spaces for faculty. I watched the facilities staff take time out of their busy schedules to paint markings on the ground, informing those who might occupy this space that only those with a terminal degree are permitted to park their vehicle there. The consequences? I have no idea. I don’t think that campus security can issue tickets or put a boot on the offender’s car. What did this accomplish? Congrats, you have a special place for your vehicle. Is this the adult version of having your artwork on the refrigerator? I am glad you rearranged the deck chairs, but could you help the rest of us bilge this sinking ship?

Fearless Leader has our Provost Scared

I am learning that our new president is one of those individuals who must have their every whim satisfied. I have heard stories about incidents where people did not immediately respond to the request or did not provide a sufficient answer, and had their heads nearly bitten off. Most of the requests involved some sort of aesthetic (naturally) task to improve the appearance of the school to the community. In the last faculty meeting, our Provost commented on keeping Fearless Leader happy, accompanied by a nervous laugh. You could feel the chill in the room immediately after they made the statement. I suppose if the president wants the roses painted red, they will have you do it, or they will use your bloody corpse as their paintbrush. It is a tragedy that I won’t be around much longer to see all the bloodshed.

They Killed the Grim Reaper

Our HR director rarely communicated with the faculty on any matters. The only correspondence they would send out was the notice at the end of the month, when they would announce who the new meat was joining our crew and who was leaving us (via escape or execution). The email always read like a casualty list during wartime. It always felt callous as I read the list of the fallen and the new fish coming aboard. I gave HR the title of Grim Reaper as they announced the names of the dead. However, out of the blue, we received an email stating that the HR director was no longer an employee at Romulus University. Rumors are still circulating about the reason for their departure, but the cause must be severe for the administration to issue a brief, direct email stating that this person is no longer with us. Now I can only wonder, if you kill the Grim Reaper, can people no longer die?