In the past, I referenced many similarities between Romulus University and Remus College. I know I have compared the leadership actions at both institutions several times on this website. I can say with full confidence that it will never cease to amaze me just how similar both places are. Even though they are two distinct types of schools in disparate parts of the country, they still look like spitting images of each other.

However, Romulus may have found a new tactic that Remus never thought of before, creating custom degrees. I know this ploy is nothing new. I know reputable schools like Brown and the University of Washington offer individualized degrees. We actually have something similar called integrated studies. Most of the time, when a student uses that at Romulus, it is because somebody had to engineer a half-baked plan to get the student out of here before their sixth year was over. I guess Van Wilder syndrome is real.

Recently, Fearless Leader approached my old department chair about creating a degree for a friend’s child. When my old chair relayed this story, I assumed the goal was to create an integrated studies degree for the kid. I need to stop assuming so much because all these wrong ideas are garnering me a huge donkey farm. Instead, Fearless Leader wants a custom degree developed for the “legacy” student, complete with a proper title and all the trimmings.

Somehow, the chair humored this insanity and had a sit-down meeting with the potential student and their parents. From all accounts, this little affair went off the rails almost immediately. The parents did all the talking, even though they weren’t discussing any class plans. The child, who was in their mid-20’s, just sat there and contributed nothing. I don’t even think that they gave a courtesy belch or fart to let everyone else know that they were still breathing. I would go into details about the plans, but I still have no idea what anybody wanted out of this meeting.

If anything, it sounds like the parents want to give this kid some semblance of a college experience. I don’t know why. Not everybody is college material. That is no slight on the kid, but I have plenty of friends who I feel are way smarter than me who never attempted college because they would be bored. They are happy running their businesses or digging ditches. The only thing college would do is hand them a boatload of debt before they start their life.

Now that I think about it, something like this did happen at Remus. It didn’t involve students, but it did include parents who wanted “the best” for their kids. We had two instances in which some of our biggest donors gave the school money so their dopey kids could have a job. The first one was put in charge of the Veterans Affairs office in order to limit their potential damage to the school. This was great because this individual was computer illiterate. The one time I had to interact with them was in their office, and watching them interact with a computer was reminiscent of a Charlie Chaplin film.

The other donor hire was a professor at Remus. I described this maniac’s teaching style in my novel as “so hands-off that one might wonder if she actually appeared in class.”  None of her classes lasted more than ten minutes. I always joked that she taught theory because it was theoretical that she even taught a class. However, both of these individuals maintained their positions because of their parents.

I understand why leadership will tolerate this insanity, but is it worth all the hassle? Donations are important. However, is it worth destroying rigor? Why do the parents do this to begin with? Do they feel guilty about directly giving that money to their kid, or do they not want to shame their child for being a complete dunce? The more I think about this situation, the more I am confounded by who is the true person to blame.  It is a vicious cycle that only supports my supposition that having wealth doesn’t mean somebody is smart.