It is time for another thrilling edition of Painting the Roses Red at Romulus University. The series where I look at the absurd ideas our administration is concocting to make our institution look good, even though there are several areas we need to improve to keep functioning.

Today’s serving of wall-bound spaghetti is another brilliant idea from the dark recesses of Fearless Leader’s mind. Honestly, I am thinking of changing their title to the Monarch of Hearts, since many of their ideas here focus more on fashion than on function. Fittingly, the newest project is sure to draw eyes to the campus, whether they like it or not. This latest plot is a proposal to build a promenade through the center of campus.

I know that this concept is not a revolutionary idea. I hope you weren’t on the edge of your seat in anticipation, but this is the new hotness that Romulus has to have to get butts into seats. For reasons that escape me, our campus is in dire need of a concrete walkway from the north end to the southernmost point of the premises. It will be a glistening pathway of promise that takes students on a tour of the campus’s most prominent features, highlighting the school’s illustrious history and its monuments to hubris.

This thoroughfare of flawed thought will bisect our lovely front lawn, adorned with ancient trees barely clinging to life. Some of them are so tall and old that I worry about our students getting crushed  underneath one whenever a gentle spring breeze blows through campus. On your left, you will see a number of dormitories built during the 1960s that have not housed students since the pandemic. Each one comes with its own unique problem. Charles Hall routinely has live sewer backups fill the first-floor hallway during heavy rainstorms. Beverly Hall has a mysterious smell that nobody can identify. In fact, researchers from the nearby R1 institution are working on publishing a paper about it. Finally, Halverson Hall has a developing sinkhole near its back entrance that could swallow a facilities truck.

To your right, you will see our fair library. It is quite the monument to learning. Too bad nobody can study in the thing for more than half an hour before they are soaked in sweat or hypothermia sets in because the HVAC units are broken. Also, be sure to keep your eyes to the sky when you enter or exit the building. The crumbling brick already took out one student when a piece fell and cracked them in the back of their skull.

However, none of that matters. We need this concrete slathered across campus so that building inspectors can easily access the buildings they need to condemn, which is darn near all of them. The Monarch has really tied all their aspirations for success to beautification rather than stability. It’s like your one friend who pours a ton of money into their car audio so that they don’t have to hear the exhaust system dragging down the road. I have a wild idea. If we create an environment with a stable infrastructure, our admissions team will not have to work as hard to recruit, as our retention rates will increase. I know those choices aren’t nearly as sexy, but they are good ones.