I hope this email finds you well. Actually, I don’t care where it finds you as long as you read it. I’m not sure if you will have the time to look it over as you are in the midst of a desperate struggle that risks life and limb. I know that campus safety should be a priority for everyone. Still, I am unsure how well your crusade for adding more speed bumps on campus roads will improve campus life. While I agree that students speeding through a parking lot as though they are auditioning for the next Fast and Furious film is dangerous, speed bumps are not high on my list of priorities. In fact, they can be found on page thirteen, just below, eliminating the crabgrass growing near the founder’s tree. You can only imagine the damage it is doing to the aesthetics of our honored flora. It is a crying shame.

With that said, I have to ask, what do you do at faculty senate meetings? I understand that the goal of the faculty senate is to work with the administration to achieve shared governance, but what are you doing to achieve this on our fair campus? I have attended a few of your meetings since you invited all faculty to participate, but I am not sure that my observations match the expectations I envisioned. Each time, I walked out of a meeting with more questions and concerns than I had before I arrived.

During the first meeting I observed, I was blown away by the impassioned dialogue of the senators. I haven’t seen such pathos in action since I told my three-year-old daughter that chocolate chip cookies are not a suitable breakfast food, except that there were more tears flowing from the faculty than my child. It served as a testament to the dedication these senators have toward the welfare of the campus. The only problem was the enthusiasm on display was about getting free refills in the cafeteria.

I just read an article about how the faculty senate at Penn State fought back against a less-than-desirable wellness program attached to their insurance that was going to punish faculty and staff whose diet did not consist of rice cakes and dehydrated water. They actually formed a committee to look into the problem and managed to collaborate with their administration to find a better alternative. That sounds awesome. Well, it sounds common sense, but we are in higher education. That sort of thing eludes a fair amount of us occasionally.

So, I must ask again. What is our senate doing? While others are fighting over benefits that impact their livelihoods, this academic body is crusading to get free coffee in the morning. Whenever the Senate finally achieves victory on that front, remember that too much coffee overstimulates the bowels. On second thought, keep chugging that free, dirty bean water. Maybe it will flush your system enough that the Senate might get the post-bathroom zoomies and get something productive done.